Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Shoo shoo! 😂
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.