I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
What’s so funny?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I was bored.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos