This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.