I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678