My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
You Might Also Like
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide