“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist