I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?