Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.