I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You Might Also Like
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
As the Lord intended
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
✌️
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.