My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.