Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You had me at “define legal”.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Animal poetry
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case