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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The news
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
thank god
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.