8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
You Might Also Like
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
i made a craigslist ad !
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember