Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.