I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??