“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
You Might Also Like
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
How funny!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”