If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The news
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Anime is real
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.