Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.