Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description