[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*