I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
He took my last fry, your honor
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”