I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
#StillHurts
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.