cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Received some very disappointing news today
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.