📽️movie date🎞️
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.