If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
the short answer to this question
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna