“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
this isn’t threatening at all
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Ah yes. The three genders
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed