[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The first one, obviously
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated