my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.