Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Word!
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae