馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
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[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn鈥檛 mean she鈥檚 asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sunday
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That鈥檚 a cactus
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they鈥檙e distracted.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.