imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My work here is done
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work