Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
This is my emotional support knife.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Mmmm canned fish.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?