My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
Ovenable?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.