“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.