I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
This is always good for a laugh.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Called it
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.