The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I saw nothing
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.