I was up all night reading about insomnia
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
If looks could kill
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me recordaron éste meme
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)