First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
*orders delivery*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Only Americans understand
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid