Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.