I identify as an antique shop.
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Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.