Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question