*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
cat vs inanimate object
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”