Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
You Might Also Like
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry