This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.