I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.