mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Finally a use for spoilers…
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Okay
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.