My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Love this one 😂🧟
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.