Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
This was the best day of my life
When ur friends with white people
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
happy friday
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season