Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave