Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.